In Germany, one of those things you learn is that at the end of your lease you are required to paint. Not a big deal. You are allowed to paint your apartment, and so at the end of your lease you are responsible for painting it back. Well, you have to paint even if you didn't change the wall color, and if you choose to hire someone, the job could cost you between 1200 and 2400 Euro. That's right. I said, Euro. I made an agreement with my landlord that I would not change the color of the apartment, I would pay a small bit extra each month, but I would not have to paint at the end. This way my security deposit would be virtually secure, and when I left, I wouldn't have an additional worry. I thought this was quite clever and fair.
Unfortunately, recently I've been looking at these white walls as those of a cell. The picture rail molding is gorgeous. The molding on the ceilings is even more so. The hinges and locks are something I could not have even imagined. The detailing of the wooden flooring - crosses of different woods and grains - shocks me still each day coming home. Those high ceilings leave me in awe. But the white walls. I can't stand it any more.
So, here is what I've resolved: to invest in art and a bit more furniture.
First the living room and bedroom, since I haven't moved to the office yet. It's still too cold and I haven't hung up curtains.
This week I'm hoping to go to Moemax to buy this dining set that I've been looked at for a while. Fantastic black hinges, the furniture itself made of solid pine. I'm hoping to get a table, four chairs, a bench, and a sideboard. That would complete my living room/dining room set up. If I can afford it, I'd also like to get a wine holder, but I don't really need one of those. Would just be a nice thing to grow into.
I just bought some Blik iron grates for my "headboard". I am not too crazy about having railings and such. I'll keep my bed on the floor and be quite happy to do so. Besides, with the mattress and box spring, it's at the perfect height for me to use a chair as a desktop, which is where I am typing this little blog right now. I can sit cross-legged and comfortable right here.
I also ordered 10 yards of gold satin from Joann's Fabric. I'm planning on draping the fabric over my dresser and then placing a print (which I'll have to frame) in the center. I ordered the print I wanted from Amazon.
I also ordered paper from Paper Source. They've got some fantastic prints and for less than 5 bucks a sheet, you really can't beat the price.
I'm also planning on getting a Cheryl Paswater woodcut/relief print soon. I met her this summer at Vermont Studio Center, and we've kept in touch through the mysteries of Facebook. I'm looking forward to hanging the piece over the sideboard I think, someplace where I can admire it all the time.
I also exchanged an email with Thomas Sayers Ellis about some of his photos. I'm hoping to work with him about getting a series of three prints in February. In addition to his work as a poet, he is an amazingly talented photographer. I'd like to get some of that work up by the summer when I'll be working in the office. Talk about inspiration. Check out some of the photos from his Go-Go Book slide show on his website.
In addition to all this, I just received a few black and white photographs of my family, mostly deceased, from my mother. I had put together a collage of sorts, but I think I'm going to separate them into smaller frames and put them on the wall ... somewhere. I'm not sure where, though. Maybe in my bedroom with a swirl of that fabric. We'll see. I still have to find a really tall ladder. :)
The one thing that I really want is a Harlan Mack chandelier for my living room. That would be just that final flourish. I've been trying to get an update on that as I believe I first expressed interest in September, but I haven't received any news. It's been a few weeks since the last email. I'm hoping that he'll be able to craft it for me. I have such respect for him and his work. I met Harlan at VSC this past summer, too. If not - I know he has a long list of other customers right now - I'll price some chandeliers in Venice. I kind of doubt that I'll purchase anything there, but a friend here has been telling me that there are some remarkable pieces there. I didn't ask how much remarkable costs. If anything, I may get a better idea of what I want.
All of this for 800 bucks or less. It will smart a little for a while - and set me back on that whole child goal - but hey, I'm in a nesting stage. Gotta delight in that. Won't last for long...
And now to go out - do I really have to leave the house - to go get the supplies for a gluten free birthday dessert.
:)
Saturday, January 24, 2009
$10,000 in the bank and a bun in the oven
So I've been thinking more about this idea of mine to have a child in the next few years. I don't have a fellow in my life. Not really dating. But I figure, when did that ever stop anyone? Right? Anyway, I have a number of beliefs, conditions that must be satisfied before I even really consider having a child.
1. 10,000 in the bank and a steady income. I'm not even close to this, so trust that there will be no little ones running around any time soon. Unfortunately, my instant gratification bug is still working overtime, though I do have the credit card under control now. I do have this burgeoning taste for the finer things, one of them being a desire for an occasional housekeeper and maybe down the line a nanny while I'm at work. Needless to say, I'd need more than 10 grand for all that.
2. A place big enough for the child to have its own room, own space to grow. I have a 2 bedroom apartment at this point, but the second room is my guest bedroom/office and it's a little cold in the winter. Not the best for an infant, right? But I could change that.
3. A support network. I just moved to a new place, and though I've been quite satisfied with my welcoming and adjustment here, I don't think that necessarily would mean that I could call up my friends and say, "I know we were planning on going to a concert, but do you mind meeting me at home? I can't seem to find a shirt without spit-up, and I don't think the dog is a good babysitter anyway. Perhaps in a few years, though?
4. A partner. It's funny that a fellow in my life is kind of lower on the list, though this is not a list written in order. I would love to have that nuclear family that I grew up with, with all its faults and joys, but at the same time, I have every expectation that when it comes to raising a child, even if dude is there and supportive and wonderful, that most likely I'll be doing most of the work. Now, is this fair? No. Are my expectations way too low? Probably. Do I believe that by even thinking this way I will attract this reality? Yes, actually. But in the end, am I willing to wait until my late 30s or 40s for that perfect, iconic man to come whistling down the road to say, sure, I want to be with you for ever, I've got all the qualities you want, and surprise of surprises, I can change diapers in 2 minutes flat or less? No. I'm not. So, if I don't start seeing someone soon - I truly believe that people should be together for 3-5 years before they even consider having a child if they are trying for that nuclear family thing - I'm going to have to start thinking about alternative options, most likely involving legal papers and signing away parental rights, but I could adopt, too. I kind of dig that idea.
A couple years back I was in Costa Rica and there was a young woman, a waitress at a restaurant I attended. She was about 17 years old and already had 2 children and was pregnant again. She was going to have the child but wanted to find someone to adopt the baby. She wanted to still have a relationship; she just couldn't support the baby, her other children and herself. I never asked what was going on with the father. She was a really sweet person, and I wished then that I could have helped her and her little one in some way. So, maybe an open adoption. I'm not sure about that yet.
5. Stability. I doubt that I'll ever be the sort to stay in a place for more than 4 or 5 years. It's not my nature. I spent 18 years in the same location, most in the same house. Same doctors, same schools, same friends. I lived in the same neighborhood as my relatives. As soon as I became an adult, I finally had the space to fly, and I haven't really looked back. I used to think about going back to Philadelphia, starting a school. I think I'd still like to do that, but I can't imagine myself living in one place for long. I'd rather start a series of schools, move from place to place, and have a home in all of them, even if that's not literally the truth.
But I do have a stable job these days, one I can imagine growing with over many years. I have a plan for getting out of financial debt caused by student loans (and it doesn't involve just going to school until I die, although I considered that :). I'm pretty good at routines and all that jazz. I'm also sublimely happy. I haven't surrounded myself in drama and all that. That's also not in my nature. At least, I can say that I can offer a child the emotional stability that a parent should have to really guide his or her development. CHECK!
6. A will and life insurance. Got both. They need to be updated, but everything is pretty well-divided. I'm thinking about getting a lawyer to have an updated will made next year. CHECK!
7. The belief that I can nurture a human life with the dignity that I believe is essential. The belief that offering myself in this way would be a true blessing, an extended moment of union with the sacred, a profound act of change in the world, a dedicated practice of selflessness. The belief that I can rise above myself to be better for the good of someone else. This I have. Now to meet the other conditions before 40 when I'll start thinking about retirement and afternoon naps (I'm already doing both) more than college educations and 3 am feedings. CHECK!
I'm thinking that 29 is the year when I start looking at all my options. By 32, I'm hoping to have my first child.
This April I turn 28. How did the years creep up so fast?
1. 10,000 in the bank and a steady income. I'm not even close to this, so trust that there will be no little ones running around any time soon. Unfortunately, my instant gratification bug is still working overtime, though I do have the credit card under control now. I do have this burgeoning taste for the finer things, one of them being a desire for an occasional housekeeper and maybe down the line a nanny while I'm at work. Needless to say, I'd need more than 10 grand for all that.
2. A place big enough for the child to have its own room, own space to grow. I have a 2 bedroom apartment at this point, but the second room is my guest bedroom/office and it's a little cold in the winter. Not the best for an infant, right? But I could change that.
3. A support network. I just moved to a new place, and though I've been quite satisfied with my welcoming and adjustment here, I don't think that necessarily would mean that I could call up my friends and say, "I know we were planning on going to a concert, but do you mind meeting me at home? I can't seem to find a shirt without spit-up, and I don't think the dog is a good babysitter anyway. Perhaps in a few years, though?
4. A partner. It's funny that a fellow in my life is kind of lower on the list, though this is not a list written in order. I would love to have that nuclear family that I grew up with, with all its faults and joys, but at the same time, I have every expectation that when it comes to raising a child, even if dude is there and supportive and wonderful, that most likely I'll be doing most of the work. Now, is this fair? No. Are my expectations way too low? Probably. Do I believe that by even thinking this way I will attract this reality? Yes, actually. But in the end, am I willing to wait until my late 30s or 40s for that perfect, iconic man to come whistling down the road to say, sure, I want to be with you for ever, I've got all the qualities you want, and surprise of surprises, I can change diapers in 2 minutes flat or less? No. I'm not. So, if I don't start seeing someone soon - I truly believe that people should be together for 3-5 years before they even consider having a child if they are trying for that nuclear family thing - I'm going to have to start thinking about alternative options, most likely involving legal papers and signing away parental rights, but I could adopt, too. I kind of dig that idea.
A couple years back I was in Costa Rica and there was a young woman, a waitress at a restaurant I attended. She was about 17 years old and already had 2 children and was pregnant again. She was going to have the child but wanted to find someone to adopt the baby. She wanted to still have a relationship; she just couldn't support the baby, her other children and herself. I never asked what was going on with the father. She was a really sweet person, and I wished then that I could have helped her and her little one in some way. So, maybe an open adoption. I'm not sure about that yet.
5. Stability. I doubt that I'll ever be the sort to stay in a place for more than 4 or 5 years. It's not my nature. I spent 18 years in the same location, most in the same house. Same doctors, same schools, same friends. I lived in the same neighborhood as my relatives. As soon as I became an adult, I finally had the space to fly, and I haven't really looked back. I used to think about going back to Philadelphia, starting a school. I think I'd still like to do that, but I can't imagine myself living in one place for long. I'd rather start a series of schools, move from place to place, and have a home in all of them, even if that's not literally the truth.
But I do have a stable job these days, one I can imagine growing with over many years. I have a plan for getting out of financial debt caused by student loans (and it doesn't involve just going to school until I die, although I considered that :). I'm pretty good at routines and all that jazz. I'm also sublimely happy. I haven't surrounded myself in drama and all that. That's also not in my nature. At least, I can say that I can offer a child the emotional stability that a parent should have to really guide his or her development. CHECK!
6. A will and life insurance. Got both. They need to be updated, but everything is pretty well-divided. I'm thinking about getting a lawyer to have an updated will made next year. CHECK!
7. The belief that I can nurture a human life with the dignity that I believe is essential. The belief that offering myself in this way would be a true blessing, an extended moment of union with the sacred, a profound act of change in the world, a dedicated practice of selflessness. The belief that I can rise above myself to be better for the good of someone else. This I have. Now to meet the other conditions before 40 when I'll start thinking about retirement and afternoon naps (I'm already doing both) more than college educations and 3 am feedings. CHECK!
I'm thinking that 29 is the year when I start looking at all my options. By 32, I'm hoping to have my first child.
This April I turn 28. How did the years creep up so fast?
Friday, January 23, 2009
A future
I just finished The Memory Keeper's Daughter, and what I took from that, one of the many things, was a distaste for walls.
Let me begin again.
A few years back my brother graduated with his BA in Finance.
Let me begin again.
I am a high achiever; one of ten year plans and contingency plans, systems, lists, patterns, goals to accomplish. My brother and I are opposites, completely. I love heat and humidity; his favorite temperature is close to below freezing. Imagine him wearing Birkenstock sandals in the middle of a Chicago, barefoot and smiling. I keep papers for years, recall memories in a broken necklace chain. In short, I am a hoarder. My brother grew up in a closet-sized room, which seemed gigantic for its sparsity and cleanliness. He had beige carpet in his teens and that carpet is still sparkling. I can't seem to get enough of school and my brother seems like he can't imagine himself bound by it. I don't worry about scrounging for change for the bus; my brother blindly taps his number keys in complex calculations of funds, money, futures and so on. I'll confess my deepest desires and fears to a stranger, welcome a newcomer with a smile generally reserved for the familiar and intimate; my brother approaches such situations with a mask, a blaise attitude that is difficult to chip away. And it has always been this way.
Let me begin again.
I was chatting with my brother today, asking him if he had applied to grad school yet. This has been a battle for years now; my mother and I are always of the opinion that he should at least apply. He mentioned that he wanted to go to law school and then it was on to get a MBA ... as long as he could find someone to pay for it or work at the same time. He never wants to be broke again. In this conversation, yet again, my brother said that he had not applied to grad school. There were a number of reasons: the deadlines were too soon, he was comfortable in his job during this recession, most people in his field wait until 28 or 29 and he's only turning 25 this year.
Let me begin again.
I have no idea what my brother wants out of life. He's never really told me. I just assumed that we were similar in being over achievers. I forgot how tender that balance we have is. He is my opposite, my mirror reflection. And this has kept us close. He's one of my best friends. When my heart was broken, I leaned on my brother. He has taught me a great deal about being strong, about letting the water wash over you until the tide turns back again.
Let me begin again.
I am resolving to let my brother lead his life. I don't know the path he imagines, but who ever knows the secret desires of another? Despite what I reveal here and in other places, there are parts of myself that are too fleshy, raw, bloody, tender, places I protect even from mentioning aloud. This I gleaned from The Memory Keeper's Daughter and saw in my life.
Let me begin again ... on my own path.
Dissertation page 122. That's where I stopped this past Monday. I decided to buy art instead of furniture from a new friend I met this past summer. Who needs a place to dine when a world exists in a print?
Tomorrow, I begin the dissertation, again, from where I left off.
Let me begin again.
A few years back my brother graduated with his BA in Finance.
Let me begin again.
I am a high achiever; one of ten year plans and contingency plans, systems, lists, patterns, goals to accomplish. My brother and I are opposites, completely. I love heat and humidity; his favorite temperature is close to below freezing. Imagine him wearing Birkenstock sandals in the middle of a Chicago, barefoot and smiling. I keep papers for years, recall memories in a broken necklace chain. In short, I am a hoarder. My brother grew up in a closet-sized room, which seemed gigantic for its sparsity and cleanliness. He had beige carpet in his teens and that carpet is still sparkling. I can't seem to get enough of school and my brother seems like he can't imagine himself bound by it. I don't worry about scrounging for change for the bus; my brother blindly taps his number keys in complex calculations of funds, money, futures and so on. I'll confess my deepest desires and fears to a stranger, welcome a newcomer with a smile generally reserved for the familiar and intimate; my brother approaches such situations with a mask, a blaise attitude that is difficult to chip away. And it has always been this way.
Let me begin again.
I was chatting with my brother today, asking him if he had applied to grad school yet. This has been a battle for years now; my mother and I are always of the opinion that he should at least apply. He mentioned that he wanted to go to law school and then it was on to get a MBA ... as long as he could find someone to pay for it or work at the same time. He never wants to be broke again. In this conversation, yet again, my brother said that he had not applied to grad school. There were a number of reasons: the deadlines were too soon, he was comfortable in his job during this recession, most people in his field wait until 28 or 29 and he's only turning 25 this year.
Let me begin again.
I have no idea what my brother wants out of life. He's never really told me. I just assumed that we were similar in being over achievers. I forgot how tender that balance we have is. He is my opposite, my mirror reflection. And this has kept us close. He's one of my best friends. When my heart was broken, I leaned on my brother. He has taught me a great deal about being strong, about letting the water wash over you until the tide turns back again.
Let me begin again.
I am resolving to let my brother lead his life. I don't know the path he imagines, but who ever knows the secret desires of another? Despite what I reveal here and in other places, there are parts of myself that are too fleshy, raw, bloody, tender, places I protect even from mentioning aloud. This I gleaned from The Memory Keeper's Daughter and saw in my life.
Let me begin again ... on my own path.
Dissertation page 122. That's where I stopped this past Monday. I decided to buy art instead of furniture from a new friend I met this past summer. Who needs a place to dine when a world exists in a print?
Tomorrow, I begin the dissertation, again, from where I left off.
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